Sports have the amazing ability to capture the attentions of fans throughout the world, to make us forget about our troubles and cares. They have to ability to unify cities, states, and nations. So why do so many of our favorite sports have such crappy trophies?

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The World Cup is the most coveted sports trophy in the world. For one month, every four years, it has the ability to unify entire countries. Millions of fans take to the streets in joyous celebrations in whichever country captures the Cup. Then why does this trophy suck so much? Why is a trophy coveted by billions of people so frickin' tiny? Standing at a mere 14 inches in height, soccer fans need the Hubble Telescope just to see it when it is hoisted into the air. Couldn't FIFA take a hint from the NHL and commission an artist to design a trophy as glorious as the Stanley Cup?

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Major League Baseball's World Series Trophy has got to be the biggest piece of junk in sports. It is basically just a silver baseball surrounded by 30 brass (thin) flag poles and pennants (each representing one of baseball's 30 franchises). The trophy is a piece of junk as demonstrated by the 2001 Arizona Diamondbacks bending it up when fire engine it was sitting atop of durin the championship parade drove under some tree branches. And who could forget the classic Seinfeld episode in which George, trying to get fired from his job with the NY Yankees, ties it to his back bumper and drags it around the parking lot at Yankees Stadium? And what will baseball do if it contracts two teams? Will they just break two of the flags off the trophy? You would think a sport which claims to be the national pasttime could come up with a better trophy to present to its champion.

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The trophy awarded to the Women's Champion at Wimbledon embodies sexism at its worst. While the men's champion receives a very traditional looking trophy, the All-England Lawn Tennis and Croquet Club decided to award the women's champion what appears to be nothing more than a very expensive serving tray. It's almost as if they are saying "Here, use this to serve hors d'oeuvres the next time your husband has a dinner party."

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The award for cheapest sports trophy goes to the NCAA for the Men's Basketball Championship it awards each year. I've seen better awards given to the winners of STATE basketball tournaments. Who even makes this for them? Are they just taking brass plates and pieces of wood to high school shop classes to see who can come up with the worst design? It's not even as if the NCAA is hurting for money. The amount of money CBS gives the NCAA for the broadcast rights to The Road to the Final Four is greater than the GNPs of most Third World countries.

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Every golfer dreams of winning the Masters Green Jacket at least once. But this thing is really hideous. All I can think about when I see the Green Jacket is Crestwood Plaza in St. Louis. You see, when I was in high school, we used to hang out there on weekends on, I swear, the mall security personnel used to walk around in the EXACT SAME green jackets. Whe used to have a contest to see who could come up with the most obscure Master reference when we'd walk past security. "There's Masters Champion Ian Woosnam." "Hey, isn't that Larry Mize?" "Look, there goes Gene Sarazen." Good times. But seriously, these jackets are so stupid that 2002 runner-up Retief Goosen wanted to know if he at least got a pair of green pants for finishing in second place. And the really bad part is, you can't even take the stupid thing home with you; the jacket stays in a closet at Augusta National. Hell, if I ever won the Masters, I'd want to wear the jacket out to the bars and try to impress women with it.

Is there any other trophy that no one wants to win other than the NHL's Lady Byng Memorial Trophy? It is given annualy to "the player adjudged to have exhibited the best type of sportsmanship and gentlemanly conduct combined with a high standard of playing ability." In other words, if you win this, you are the league's biggest pussy. Why else would they have named the award after a chick?

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Sure, you also get a nice trophy, but what is the deal with the jug of milk that winners of the Indianapolis 500 have to slam? I know that if I had just finished a 500 mile drive AND won a major sports championship, I'd be slamming a pitcher of beer, not a jug of milk.

Know of a trophy or award that should be on this list but isn't? E-mail me at feedback@toddbreer.com